Looking after your friends (whilst avoiding burn out)

Okay, we'll just get started with the workshop and Abby or Sibyl are you okay to admit people as they come in now. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the workshop. Looking after your friends whilst avoiding burn out. This is presented to you today from the University of Edinburgh wellbeing service. My name's Kirsty. Nice to meet you all. And this is Abby and Sibyl. We are all wellbeing advisors within the university well being service. I'm not sure how much you guys know about the well being service or who we are. So I'll give you a kind of whistle stop tour of the well being service and what we do, our main aim as a service is to support students with their mental health and well being. And to help them navigate the challenges that they're feeling or experiencing by maybe introducing them to internal supports that exist already within the university, or external supports that exist around Edinburgh and the United Kingdom. We also work with international students, so we can support international students to access supports whenever they are as well. We're not counselling, although we do provide a space for students to chat through how they're feeling, as I said, navigate their experiences. But our main goal is to find proactive supports and resources that can help you and help your mental health and well being. You can access the well being service through a self referral. And all this information will be passed on to you through e mail as well. We're going to put some links on the slides and stuff, but just to give you a brief, brief overview, you can access our service through self referral, through a third party referrals. You could refer a friend or you could be referred by your student advisor or a member of staff at the university or by a family member. And you can also use our service to use the drop ins. I don't know if anybody has seen that. The drop in advertisements that we've got out and about just now, the service is offering 20 minute drop ins for students at the university where you can book in to meet with a well being advisor for a 20 minute chat. In that chat, you can get some kind of pretty instant support for your mental health and well being and advice. And also in that time, you can get advice on if you should maybe refer to well being or not for more kind of longer term support with an advisor. We also do proactive work as part of our job. So workshops like this, proactive events that engage students and support them with their mental health and well being. Yeah, and lots of wee things in between them. We're not counselling, we're not the DLSS or that we're kind of about the middle ground for students and we're a good place to come if you're not sure what support you're looking for at the uni. But yeah, we're here for any student at any stage of their degree, international or based here. We're pretty accessible for all students and you can always come back to us. That's what's good about the wellbeing service. So takeaways from today's workshop, we see how challenging it can be for people to look out for their friends as well as themselves. This is something that we see quite a lot when we support students through the well being service. We felt it was really important to do a workshop that address this today. Today we're going to try and take away how to spot the signs of distress in your friends or those around you. Classmates, flatmates. How to help distressed friends and flatmates, and how to look after yourself. Through this experience. We know that this can be tough and we see that we want to be able to give you guys the tools and information to go away and to be able to manage that too. We're going to chat first about how to spot the signs of distress. Distress can be defined as extreme sadness, anxiety, or emotional pain. And it can also come through in physical and mental symptoms and signs as well. We're going to explore that a little bit more than the next slide. How to spot distress in those around us. It could be changes in habits, sleeping, hygiene, eating and drinking. Have you noticed that your flatmate, who usually cooks themselves a meal every day, isn't doing that anymore? Have you noticed that a friend is maybe not sleeping very well? Have you noticed unusual anger or irritability between people that you know that aren't usually like that? Anything that's out of character for them. Have you noticed people feeling more emotions that are heightened, such as guilt, anxiety, sadness, substance use? This is something that can be a bit blurred sometimes when thinking about if someone's distressed or not. Are they may be drinking a bit more than usual, they picked up a smoking habit, or are they doing these things to excess rather than what they're usually used to doing? The way someone appears, do they appear a bit more distressed? Do they appear more isolated? Do they appear different to how you usually see them? Socialising. We've noted down on this slide here maybe a friend cancelling plans last minute, Someone's not usually like that. They're usually up for socialising and things where they may be cancelling things last minute, changing their habits on social media, texting you back, that type of thing, or choosing to be alone a bit more. Things like this are all things that we need to look out for in people around us to engage if they're doing okay. These are usually the telltale signs that people aren't managing as well as we think they are. What other signs? What do you see? What do you notice when those around you aren't doing so? Great. If you're comfortable firing in the chat, we'll also pop some things in the chat or say some things ourselves as well. But it would be really good for you guys to get involved if you feel comfortable doing so. We'll take about 30 seconds for that so we're not sitting on it too long. Yeah, that's a really good one, saying I'm fine when their face body language is different. And we're going to be digging into that a little bit more and slides will come. So that's a good one. Thank you for contributing there. Anything else or will we move on? Yeah, stop and smile and facial expressions, how they're appearing, skipping class. This is a really good one, especially since we're students here. Yeah. Becoming defensive about their own mental health really quiet in conversation. That's a good one as well. This is really good. It sounds like you guys are all pretty intuitive when it comes to picking up on, on signs and you've got some good ideas. Yeah, I think the main takeaway from this, Yeah. Yeah, the main takeaway from this is noticing any change or anything that might be concerned. Yeah, thanks for all the contribution. That's fantastic for everybody that's posted in. Thank you. I want to move on. I'll give it a bit of time, but sometimes there are no signs. But why people may not act differently? Because they might worry about how it will affect them in the workplace or how it will affect them. In their course, people might not want to share how they feel or express how they feel through their behaviours because it could be undermined or not taken seriously. Might be dismissed or might be misunderstood by those that they to share how they're feeling with. They might also feel like they're being a burden or their self esteem is affected by this. Cultural differences in language barriers. This is something that is a massive factor and prevent why people aren't always able to communicate how they feel and Y and also previous negative experiences of asking for help. That's a massive one as well. Okay, the meerkats are there purely for cute effect. We understand this is quite heavy material. Take a breath. If anyone's got any thoughts on things that we've discussed so far, please pop them in the chat. We really do want to be like a conversation today Do you know if you can pop stuff in the chat which you've been doing brilliantly so far, that would be great. Just to help this flow a bit more for us as well. Yeah, any ideas so far? Are we okay to move on? ' I think we'll move on. So that's, this is on to the next part of our workshop today, which is thinking a bit about, you might have identified that one of your friends is in distress. They're maybe not doing so well. It's actually how do you support, how do you help them? These are just some ideas they're really to do with We all listen, listen. We all have conversations. But this is about thinking about taking it a bit further and thinking about what elements make a good supportive conversation. That's what we'll have a look at here. But first of all, we're asking you to write in the chat again, what helps you to feel listened to? Take a few seconds to have a think about that. And then I'll ask Kirsty and Abby to read out things, because I cannot see the chat because I'm sharing a screen. I don't mind kicking that off as well if people are struggling for ideas. For me, I feel most listened to when someone is not looking at their phone or looking at the laptop and they're talking to. I find it really engaging when someone puts their devices aside and gives me, there we go. Someone right there, when someone pays attention without distraction, when someone asks questions rather than just listen, summarises what I said to confirm, this is really good. You're all pros at active listening There's some really good suggestions in the chat. Thank you so much for contributing, actually be rather than having someone assume what I'm trying to say and finish my thoughts. For me that is, yeah, yeah, Someone's love react. I think that love react there. That's a good one. I feel when I get emotional feedback as well, it's when your experience is being validated, isn't it? You get that emotional connection. It's really important. Mm hmm. I guess there's some stuff that we can agree on when it comes to feeling listened to, but also this is something that can be individual as well, I guess is that we all have different ways of communicating. Anything else coming up in the chat? Let me move on. I think we can, there's been some really good ones in the chat and there's a interaction going on in the chat as well, so we'll just participants so that can't wait to see it afterwards. When I can close my screen and actually see the chat. It's really good contributions, actually everyone. Thank you. Great. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I think we're talking here about active listening and it sounds like a lot of people are talking about that in the chat as well. It's the idea that you're actively engaging when you're listening by doing certain things. One of them, which has already been mentioned in the chat, is trying to understand and really reflect that back, but to the person that you're listening to. And part of that as well, it's not just what you say back in the conversation, but it's also about your body language, right? It's about having open body language, which can mean different things to different people. Traditionally, I would say it's kind of not crossing your legs and not kind of crossing your arms or looking away or looking at your phone, et cetera. But it's important to take into account for some disabled people. Body language can look different. And so not to assume if someone did have more closed body language that they aren't listening, they might find other ways to show they're listening. And another thing to know about that as well, Some neurodivergent people also won't like eye contact as much or might be quite fidgety. And that doesn't mean they're listening either. So not to assume if someone's not a big fan of eye contact that they're not listening. It's just an important caveat there. But body language is one way that you show that you're listening. Really paying attention. Yeah, not having distractions showing that you're listening. Some people do that by nodding their head or making certain noises, showing they're listening. Another way of being an active listener is non judgmental. Not jumping in to give your opinion on something. When someone is telling you about something, trying to remain in a non judgmental state until you can have a chance to respond and unless the person wants to hear your opinion, is really trying to not be judgmental. Being authentic to you and the relationship that you have with the person. So you might have a particular type of relationship that's very authentic to you and kind of staying true to that and who you are not, you know, trying to be like someone else and, you know, the key thing really is being empathetic as well. So really putting yourself in the shoes of your friend and thinking, you know, how would I feel if I was in the situation and trying to kind of connect to the emotions that they're experiencing? And on the opposite end of this, some things that we're trying to avoid here is things like interrupting. Which can be hard sometimes, especially when you want to give advice, right? It can be hard not to jump in. And we've kind of already mentioned that in the chat. Another thing is not talking a lot about yourself. And there are some caveats to this. I would say it's not at the beginning when someone's telling you their problems, to jump in about yourself. But it may be helpful later on in the conversation to say sort of, you know, I've been through the same thing. You're not alone. And, or the person might want to hear about your friend, might want to hear about your own experiences. And I think that's kind of okay. It's kind of case by case with people. But I think the key thing is to not jump in at the beginning and talk about yourself because that's not always the most helpful thing to hear when you're distressed, not being distracted, we've already said that. Not being judgmental, I can't see this because you. Yeah. And also not talking from a script, which is the opposite of being authentic, isn't it? Not thinking I'm going to have to say this or that again. Yeah, not jumping in to give advice is a big one. And something we talked about quite a lot. I know. Was there something you wanted to share about that Kirsty, about what you do in your friendship group? Yes, in my friendship group, we say to each other, do you need advice or do you need a space to rent and just allowing for whatever your friends need? Whatever you need? I think that that's quite a good way to put it because then it avoids any confusion about what you want and what your friends can give as well. Get that in your group chats, do you need the advice or do you need a rant? It works. Yeah, that's great. That's really helpful, Kristy. Yeah. Because, I guess it depends because sometimes people do want to advise, don't they? And it's not to assume. If you're not sure, just ask your friend. I think that's the key point here. Moving on is to think a bit about reflection. So this is when you're kind of reflecting back what you've heard. And this is a really important skill as well. I think it sounds like a lot of people kind of are talking about that already in the chat. So it's kind of paraphrasing what you've heard and checking that you understand. So asking questions to gain clarity and if you don't understand, say can you tell me more? And a really key thing, you know, someone already said in the chat about people kind of saying there fine and maybe, you know, maybe they're not fine. So there's a sense of like reading between the lines and saying what you see. So for example, a friend might say they're fine but they have tears in their eyes. Or they seem really, really angry in the body language. And there's something about gently saying, it seems like you are upset. Do you want to talk about that? I think is a really important thing to think about. The next thing to think about is validation, which is a really key part of feeling listened to and understood and seen by your friends. It's really important and some of this will be second nature anyway. But it's important to reflect on because validation really helps someone to feel less alone. It helps to normalise their response to a situation. You know, we see how students can often go through really stressful situations for a whole host of reasons. And it would be odd if you didn't have a response to stressful situations. So it's kind of normalising that. Also validation helps people guide them through like processing their emotions around it. Because part of having this conversation is helping your friend to like process how they're feeling. Some stuff that you might say, this is what validation would look like, is saying something like it makes sense to feel that way. Or what? I like saying this to people, I like saying you're having a human response to a difficult situation. You know, you're a human, you're not always going to be able to be at your best. You know, we are all humans here. We are trying our best and sometimes it's really difficult. And another thing, just that very simple sort of saying, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Just show, showing that kind of sense of empathy that your friend is going through a difficult time. Any thoughts on any of this? It sounds like a lot of people already, this is the things they're doing with their friends. Some people this will be second nature, but some people as well. It's good to think about it, about what they could do in the future. Especially if you're in situations where you feel like you don't know what to do sometimes when a friend is distressed. And I think something that's really important to note here is like there's limitations to how much you can support someone, right? You know, if you feel like you have the energy to give, to have a supportive chat with a friend, part of that, you know, as well as active listening and reflecting and validating your friend. One also really important step is to encourage your friend to access professional support if they need it. And there's lots of avenues for that, I would say for any kind of mental or physical distress or problems then the kind of go to person is someone's GP that's kind of, it's very normal in the UK as well to talk to your GP about mental health and well being and things like stress as well. It's very normal. Things like counselling can be really helpful both within the university and outside. There's lots of university services, including ourselves that Kirsty gave the introduction at the beginning about that. There's lots of university services that can help specialist organisations. If your friend is, for example, struggling with maybe disordered eating, there's a great organisation called Beat that might be able to help them. Or if they're going through a bereavement or grief, there's for example, Cruse bereavement, which is really helpful. So there is lots of like specialist organisations as well that you can kind of sign post your friend to, also if they're not keen to talk to someone else. Also encouraging them to access self help in the form of books, online, community podcasts, that kind of thing. Videos, Ted talks, that kind of thing is also maybe a good step if it's something that they feel that they want to get more information to understand what's happening to them at the university. Lots of options for support, hopefully by now, if you're a undergrad or master student, you know who your student advisor is. But that's especially if your friend is struggling in a way that's really affecting their studies as well, is really suggesting that they talk to the student advisor. And as part of that they can be referred to us at the well being service. There's also counselling chaplaincy, Chaplaincy does lots of well being events including things like yoga, mindfulness. There's lots of great stuff happening there. Disability and learning service, If you're in student accommodation, the residents life team have their own well being team. And then report and support, which is for students that may be a victim of sexual assault, harassment, or stalking or gender based violence. And also things like racist discrimination report and support are its own team of people that can help with that, those specific issues. And there's also the university security team, quite a lot of people. Now, we're going to move on. Abby is going to take the next section to think a bit about self care and boundaries. I'm so sorry to interrupt so I just want to jump in on second. Abby, before you get started, there's a few really good questions. But what I'm thinking is we can maybe hold them until the end, but we've got our time for a bit more discussion. Does that ok? So just to acknowledge I can see them and we'll deal. Yeah, Because I can't see them, that's why I'm not acknowledging them. Absolutely. Yeah. Keep the questions coming in and we'll try and address some of those at the end, and if we don't have time, you know, we'll try and come back to you in another format. So we're just going to move on to the section on boundaries. So this is like how to look after yourself through self care and boundaries. So we're going to explain a little bit about what boundaries are, some of the common misconceptions around boundaries, why boundaries are so important, and explain the link to self care and your own well being. So, you know, we live in a fast paced 24/7 world. We're constantly juggling the demands of our busy lives and all our responsibilities over committing. Sometimes, you know, putting others needs before our own. And in turn, that means we're kind of neglecting our self care. So given that self care is the foundation to a healthy life, we often find it hard to say no. You know. It's difficult to put our own needs before others. So as a result, we can become overwhelmed when our needs aren't being met and we're not being heard. So you'll see the picture on the screen here. You know we will be familiar with the safety briefing on a plane when they ask you to put your mask on before helping others. This reminds us of the importance of taking care of ourselves. This helps remind us that in order to care for others effectively, I need to take care of myself first. It's really important to try and remember that. And I like this quote actually. It's like treating yourself like you would a good friend, you know. So if we're like all the support and everything we're giving to others, we actually think about that in relation to ourselves. Give it to ourselves first. So we'll go to next slide, if that's okay. Here's a quote by Brene Brown. You may have heard of her. She is an American research professor, specialises in writing about compassion, empathy, shame, vulnerability, and things like that. This is from her book, Rising Strong, so I'm just going to read it out. Compassionate people ask what they need. They say no when they need to. And when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment. I guess what this is saying is the importance highlighting the importance of healthy boundaries in our relationships. It's about how maintaining boundaries can be an act of self compassion. And that as compassionate individuals, we're not afraid to assert our needs and communicate them clearly. And that's one of the key points. But it's also being respectful of others. And I think what it's really saying is that, you know, healthy boundaries allow individuals to avoid building up the resentment towards others. And we're able to express their needs and limitations like in a compassionate way. Which therefore leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. And you can see the kind of self fulfilling, kind of, you know, prophecy in that respect. Okay. Next slide. Yeah. And just I'll add to that. And but something, when we were talking about this earlier, is I think if you're feeling resentment to a friend, that's really good. Like when you're feeling something that can be a really good clue or a good signal that your boundaries are being crossed or that you need stronger boundaries if you are feeling resentment to a friend. So we can kind of if you start off from that place of thinking, well, am I being or do I feel resentful towards someone that's a really good indicator of needing boundaries. Absolutely Sibyl. I totally agree. It's about listening to ourselves. You know, being curious as well as being curious. You know, around you were talking about how, you know, friends, flatmates can be distressed and we're being curious and we're actively listening. But it's actually about doing the same to ourselves. You know exactly what are boundaries? Just wondering if you might be able to write a few things in the chat. What does the boundary mean to you? See, we'll give up 30 seconds. See if anyone wants to share anything. And then we'll go on. Okay. So we just had somebody to say. That's hard though if it's your child who needs the help. Yeah. I mean, there are boundaries in all parts of her life, and especially when it comes to relationships with the children as parents, that it can be tricky to navigate but also vitally important to maintain those healthy boundaries. We'll go into that in a little bit more detail in a moment. So we've got someone else saying it's sort of rule where you say what you are and aren't comfortable with. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Not lending money is a boundary. Absolutely. I mean, there are different areas there are boundaries within all areas of our life that touch on different things. Whether that be relationships with people or within that. There were, they say, seven types of boundaries that you can look into. And one of those obviously, is money. Time being another one. Emotion, emotion, personal space, et cetera. We've got another one to come in. Crossing it can make someone uncomfortable. Absolutely. Crossing a boundary can make someone feel uncomfortable. That's a really good input, everybody. Thank you. I think we'll carry on, but please, do you keep using the chat. So what is the boundary? Obviously, literally speaking, it's a line which marks the limits of an area. Okay, So boundaries help us develop and maintain healthy connections, routine structures, and relationships with ourselves, of course, and others. And they set the parameters of our physical and emotional space in relation to a friendship. A boundary is an expression of what is okay, what is not okay, when to walk away, when to say no. Some of these things obviously people have mentioned in the chat, or does boundary. It's a focus on our own self care. It's about being assertive, about being aggressive, and it's about them being personal. Boundaries are personal and they are changeable. They can be flexible. It's about boundaries. When our needs are being met and we're feeling hurt. This is one of the most important points. Okay, next slide please. If you take a look at the screen here, a lack of boundaries equals overflowing cup. I'm just thinking whilst you're watching this, how does this make you feel to me, it feels a little bit out of control. When we're thinking about ourself with no boundaries in place, you may notice and start to feel overwhelmed, burdened. You may start to notice you have a lack of confidence or low self esteem. You're starting to doubt yourself a little bit. You might feel stressed and anxious, sometimes resentful, angry, frustrated, and ultimately, this can all lead to burnout. Thanks Sibyl. If I insist on boundaries, does that mean I'm a bad friend? I mean, I think we would all say absolutely not. It's an absolute no. You know, we all have limits, okay? And boundaries can communicate that line. That's the important point. It helps keep everyone safe. This helps to maintain healthy relationships, which in turn improves our well being. It is not selfish to say no, it doesn't mean you're not there for your friends. It's just a way of balancing yourself, your needs, and their needs. Remember, boundaries can be flexible and adaptable. It is a give and take approach. Setting boundaries won't disrupt a healthy relationship. This is so important is the takeaway to remember, healthy boundaries define what's appropriate behaviour, we've just talked about that in our relationships. And what helps keep us safe. It doesn't mean you're not there for a friend. It means sometimes you need to prioritise your own well being and put your mental health first. Remember, healthy boundaries are personal and can be and will be able to strengthen any relationship. Okay, next slide onto the how, How do I set healthy boundaries? You can set healthy boundaries in all areas of your life. We will just talk about that in all interactions with others using four simple steps. I'll just go over those quickly and then talk through the slide. Define the boundary. What factors need to change? Communicate the boundaries. Say what you need. Keep it really simple. You don't need to over explain it. It doesn't need to be complicated and set a consequence. Why is it important to me? And so that leads us on to how using I statements so important, it's about how it's affecting you. So be very clear and straightforward, be self aware, be assertive, but kind. Define the limitations. We all have our own personal limits and they're so unique to us. Don't feel guilty, be gentle, and don't let others exploit. You know? That's to say, don't let someone else define your boundaries. Set your own boundaries as they say. It's personal, it's fondly. And don't put others values before yours. Yeah, Just to add, like I really like this point about not letting someone else define your boundaries because, yeah, we all have our own limits on our own boundaries. And it's not letting someone else not making assumptions about other people's boundaries as well. That's a great point. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So, I mean, here are some examples of, you know, what you may be able to say to someone if you know, to maintain or to set up a healthy boundary, you know. So I'm happy to chat, but right now, it's not a good time. Can I call you back? And it is exactly as Sibyl says. You know, what might be a right time for your friend or flatmate? It's not necessarily the right time for you, you know. So it's really important to kind of remember that. It doesn't mean you don't care for them. You know exactly one of these here what we've got is I care for you and I'm here for you, but this is affecting my mental health. Perhaps you could talk to a professional. You know, sometimes some of the content some people are talking about, we may not be able to deal with ourselves. You know, we talked earlier about, you know, not always having the answers. We don't always necessarily need to have the answers, but it's about being there for somebody actively listening. But you may not have the capacity in that moment to be able to do that and offer that to your friend and that is okay. You know, it's absolutely okay. It's about saying, you know, I appreciate that you thought of me, but right now, this isn't possible. You know, when we were talking about boundaries in different areas in our life, You know, for example, about time, you know, you can set that look, I can, I can have a chat with you, but I can only stay 10 minutes for example. You know, or like in terms of emotional boundary, you know, as much as I want to support you just now, I just don't have the emotional capacity. It's okay to say that, you know, it's coming from the I, it's how you feel. And another one, for example, you know, I've been social all week, I just need the weekend to myself. It's okay to safeguard that personal time. I'm sure you can think of more and if you want to add some in the chat, you know, I'm sure everyone would welcome. That would be really good. I guess to finish our section on boundaries, just a quick one, just to remember. It can be challenging at first, especially when you're not used to being heard or you're not used to having your needs met, which can often be the case. I think we can all probably say that we've been there remind yourself you have a right to say yes and no to things without feeling guilty or having to provide a reason. You don't need to explain yourself necessarily, you know, not in detail. You are allowed to prioritise the things you enjoy and your own self care by protecting your time and energy. We'll feel more energised and feel better in yourself and ultimately more able to be the best friend that you want to be. Boundaries are here to help us. It's really important to remember that. Remember, they do strengthen relationships, they don't take away from them. And it's about learning to give when you can and not giving when you can't. Okay, we've got a question here which, how do you respond appropriately if the other person feels attacked by expressing those boundaries? I think one of the key things is something that we've touched on is about communicating your needs very clearly and simply. You know, sometimes when people aren't used to boundaries, they may need a bit more time to kind of either come to terms of that, to adjust, to understand them, you know, and that's okay as well. So, you know, you may even want to explain that and just say, well, look, this is what I need just now. You might need a bit of time to kind of think about that. You know, we can come back and talk about this, for example, but this is what I need for me for now, and I respect what you need for you. I don't know Kirsty or Sibyl have anything to add on that. Yeah, there's something about just because someone else feels attacked doesn't mean that you are attacking them or that you're responsible for that feeling. That might just be a symptom of what they're going through. Sometimes people can just feel that way if they're already having a difficult time. And it can be really hard to kind of not let that get to you or feel guilty about that. But there is something about being kind and gentle with it, but being firm with the boundary. And then if they're gonna feel attacked, just kind of letting them sit for a bit with that. And then maybe seeing them again in the future and seeing how they feel because they might not feel that way for very long. Um, we've got another question in the chat as well. How do I build up the courage to set my boundaries, especially in a group setting? I'd say practice. I think the secret to boundaries is practice. Practice even in the smallest ways. First, say someone gets in your way on a bus and you wouldn't usually say, can you move off, can I have the space, but practising those little, small ones in daily life. And then you can practise, practise up until you know bigger ones in like group settings. Because part of not wanting to give a boundary is feeling uncomfortable with the consequences and been finding it hard to sit with that. But if you practise it in small ways, you can get used to the feeling of uncomfortableness. But also see that there's often positive outcomes from it. Or nothing happens if you do it or nothing bad happens. Kind of like exposure therapy almost, but with boundaries, that would be my $0.02 I don't know if you have anything to add, Kirsty, Abby. I think Sibyl from what you said. Practise for sure. But in my eyes, practise kind of comes from practise, Sorry, leans it leads into security and confidence in what your boundaries are. For me, yes. Practising them, finding out which is most important to you, which you value, and then being able to relay them to friends and those around you when you know what they are yourself. I think if we've gone a long time without having boundaries or if having blurred boundaries, it's really important to get them solidified for us before letting other people know what we expect. And being clear in our boundaries there. A great point. Kirsty. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, as you both said, you know, you can kind of start small. You know, it could just be in terms of time. Look, I've only got 30 minutes today, is that okay? You know, that's what I've got. It's not you're not asking permission from anybody, you're just very gently asserting yourself in the space and saying, this is what I can offer today and that's it. You don't have to explain why this is just, you know, and you can start by kind of introducing that into your kind of daily life, really into the routine. I'm going from there, I would just like to add there just to the person that said about in a group settings, so that could be in a group of friends. You're worried about setting those boundaries within a group of friends. For me, I think that boundaries and positive enforcement of boundaries and things like this spread through friendship groups or through classmates. I think when you start doing that and doing things to protect your peace and doing to enhance the way that you feel, I feel like others see that and they also start to set boundaries. It becomes, it becomes a group, or it becomes a setting where everyone is enforcing that for themselves. And it becomes a much more protected environment for everyone. So think of that as well because others might not be so, you know, aware of, of their own boundaries too. So it's a good way, good way to set that knowledge by. Yeah, you could be a trend setter for friendship groups. Absolutely. But you can also actually, just to add to that, you know, in a group setting, you can actually open up that conversation by saying, you know, what would everyone like to talk? Should we set some boundaries, you know, for this group, you know? So if it's a study group, for example, you should we set some boundaries here? What times are we going to meet? How are we going to meet? Where are we going to meet? You know, it could be just as basic as that and then build from there. You know, if somebody's talking, do we respectfully listen? And then, you know, there's different ways that you can kind of navigate that. But just having the open conversation and trusting yourself actually, you know, remember one of the things that we talk about. It is like, you know, instinct gut your core values, you think about those. Was there more questions from earlier or do you want to talk about self care a little bit first? Then come to questions or Yeah. I think if that's okay with everyone, I think we'll just go on to self care just to sort of finish it up. And then if there are any questions we can come back to the ones that we haven't answered. And if you've got any further questions, then you can let us know. So obviously, you know, we've talked about the link between setting healthy boundaries and self care and the importance of having a healthy self care routine. So remember, you know, you can't pull from an empty cup. You know, we've talked about that. And so we'd like to hear from you about what you do to look after yourself. So if there's anything you'd like to add in the chat just now about how you look after yourself, what you do for self care, what you're going to do after this session, for example, And there is no judgments here. Whatever self care Absolutely. Into that. Food. Yeah. Food. Listen to music. Brilliant. Yeah. Make a nice cuppa. Yeah. Hug in a mug. Online shopping. Guilty. Also, I Show some of the things Yeah. Sit at the same time when I don't look at Uni work or e mails. So that in itself is a boundary. Isn't that take Absolutely. 2 in 1. taking a bath with salts. Yeah, absolutely. I'm with you there. So, I mean, we've got a list of, you know, some ideas to how to look after yourself. Of course, you know, many of you are going to know lots of these, probably not new, you know, we all know they exist. But actually how many of us actually do, you know, take time to actually look after ourselves, you know, and use some of these self care tips to sort of keep ourselves healthy and well and kind of, it's all about maintaining balance really. As much as, you know, having our boundaries in place, it's boundaries about keeping ourselves well and really prioritising our self care. Yeah. Getting enough sleep. Absolutely. That's one of the key ones as well. Hmm, We've put some additional resources at the end if you want to go a bit more deeper into some of the stuff we've spoken about. These resources are specifically to do with boundaries, and empathy, and active listening, and things like that. The second book, particularly here, boundaries say no without guilt, have better relationships. Boost your self esteem. Stop people pleasing. Quite the title. It's really good because it has a, it's very practical, it's practically how you set boundaries and it has lots of activities and they help you reflect on your own boundaries and things like that. It's a very practical books. I would really recommend that some Ted Talks there as well, including something from Brene Brown, which Abby's spoken about. And then some general well being resources as well. There's some websites there to do with student mental health. I Thrive is a really good website for mental health support and Edinburgh has a whole list of things including counselling programmes and then some apps there as well. Things to do with like meditation, sleeping, et cetera. You know, we'll send this round or if you're watching the recording, you can obviously Google some of these. And then we can kind of go on to some more questions if there is any. I've got a question flagged to you just now that came up earlier. How do you protect yourself if your friend does not listen actively? That's a really good question. Really good question. I'll kick this off, I think. I think when I first seen your question come in, we were actually on the slide where Abby was discussed in boundaries and I statements and stuff. For me, if you're not getting what you need from a friend, from anyone, maybe an open conversation to express what your needs are. And the way that about a boundary, about how you want to communicate. That would be starting suggestion from myself. Just been really clear on what you need to feel listened to. Because maybe they don't know, maybe they don't know how to actively listen.  Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely a skill as well. It's not something that you're just born with. It's definitely, some people just have it more naturally than others. I think a big thing, if you're going to communicate that to your friend again, is the statements. Yeah. Because otherwise people can feel attacked. If you go in like you don't do this, if you say, I look, I need to feel listened to by my friends. That's really important to me. They can then decide what to do with that statement that you've said. Maybe reflect a bit on that and how they react to that. And maybe reflect whether or not this is someone that is there something about if they're close or not, like what you're going to do with the friendship in the future based on how they respond to that. But you have every right to reflect on what you might need from the friendship or how you feel in the friendship. Yeah, absolutely. I would just Yeah. Just add to that Exactly that. It's if you can rephrase everything from the I, it's like how it impacts how it affects me rather than, you know, we were talking earlier about being assertive, sort of not regressive. You know, you're not accusing anyone of doing something. It's about how it's impacting you. So it's like what I need in the moment, you know? So when I talk to you, I kind of really need you to kind of be there for me and, you know, listen as best you can and just listen. And maybe I don't need advice right now, I just need to be with someone. Yeah. But it's also recognising that, you know, certain different friends may be better at doing that than others. So not everybody has the capacity to do that necessarily, you know. So it could be that you may need to look elsewhere to feel listened or having your needs met. But perhaps that friend may serve another purpose. It's recognising that as well. I think that's a really good point. Yeah. It's like some people just aren't going to be as good at some of this. And then you can choose to try and make friendships with people that are a bit better at it. Is there any other questions or comments? We've got one that's coming on, the chat just now. My friend has just been through a break up, but she's acting extra hyperactive. She said she's okay but she is unusually active. How can I make sure she's actually okay? I guess it's what we've been talking about. You know, it's having a chat with her, being as open as you can, and being curious and asking those exact questions. You seem to be unusually active. You're out quite a lot. You know, you can choose your words, obviously. I'm just a bit worried about you. Are you okay? What's going on? Do you want to talk about it, for example? Yeah, I think people deal with things differently and break up differently on people. They need to be in bed for days, they need to cry. And some people immediately need to just be going out and doing stuff. And I think there's something about just being there for them in the future when they need to, But like letting them know that you're there for them if they want to talk. And obviously there's anything more serious happening that you're kind of identifying is also, you know, sign posting them to professional help if they need it. Absolutely. Another really good questions coming in there. How would you get a friend to open up to discussion of their problems if they ignore or deflect? When you try and talk to them about it, I think again, offering them the space and when they're ready, hopefully they will open up to you. But as we discussed earlier, you can't always carry all that responsibility if you are really concerned, sharing that with someone who might be able to help, Whether that be a staff member at the university, whether that be with your friends, family members, if that's appropriate to do so. It's just really kind of case by case. But by you offering that space to them to even invite that discussion, that already sounds like a great first step to allowing them to share that. So Yeah, Yeah, absolutely. I think it's just it's just saying I'm here for you, you know, when you're ready to talk, if you ever want to talk or if it's not me that you want to talk to, you know, there are other options. You know, there are professional supports available. You know, you can let them know about them, you know, if you know about them, you can pass that information on. And I guess it's just, you know, when talking about empathy, it's about being there, isn't it? It's not forcing something out of someone, as Kirsty said, when that person's ready, that they know you're there for them. I think that's the most important thing, but also that they know that there are other supports in place knowing that they're not alone actually. Great, I think we probably have to wrap things up unless there's anything urgent coming through in the chat, we've had a few others. I'm someone who's not good at understanding body language and other signs. Any tips on how to read between the lines? It's a good question. Question. I don't think it's necessary to read between the lines. If it's not something that you feel like very good at, that's okay. It's also okay to just ask someone I don't quite understand right now what you're saying. Can you give me more information or I can't really tell like how you're feeling right now. Could you tell me how you feel? It's okay to ask in a really authentic way. Don't pretend that you feel like you know what their body language is doing. I think asking because not everyone is that people have different levels of ability to read body language and that's okay. Yeah. I can't get the slide to move on to the thank you. Goodbye slide. But is there anything final? I think if anybody wants to add in the chat, you know, if they've got any comments about today's workshop, please do, let us know. We really welcome the feedback.